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The Thing (1982)

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It’s hard to review something everyone has seen. While most everyone who will read this has seen The Thing, and know right away what kind of score it will be getting, I’m going to approach this as if you the reader, has not. To which I say, get the fuck off my review and go watch it!

The Thing is the story of an Antarctic research base, while on a day just like any other, a Norwegian helicopter lands by them, the people inside shooting at a dog that runs to the Americans at the base to hide. Shooting one of the Americans, they kill the Norwegian, and take the dog in. Among checking out the Norwegian base, they find that the Norwegians have made a discover in the ice, of a ancient spaceship. Long story short, the dog is really an alien who can take the shape of any form, a perfect clone, unable to tell who is human and who is alien.

While it sounds like it could be a downright cheezy film, The Thing is one of the best cases of paranoia in film, since the original Alien movie. There is an almost palpable air of paranoia coming out of the tv screen when viewing the movie, which is one of it’s strongest points, with all the characters going crazy in their own little ways.

Even more so than the paranoia, this film is best known for it’s creature effects. The creature effects in the movie are so badass, and I haven’t seen anything like them recreated since. It’s even more impressive that this came out in ’82, and still looks amazing today. You have heads growing legs, and moving like spiders, stomachs opening up into mouths, it’s nuts.

I don’t normally talk about the score in films, but as with any John Carpenter movie, you can expect a haunting score, that really makes it’s self known. There is a scene when they are at the Norwegian base, looking at hollowed out ice, and the score keeps getting louder and louder as the camera pans, it’s really something to be heard.

All of the characters are believable and well acted, which is good because otherwise  the movie wouldn’t be near as good as it is. The highlight is of course Kurt Russell, who plays a helicopter pilot who steps up into the role of leader when times get tough. I really loved his character,

So if your still reading this, what the hell is wrong with you, go watch The Thing.

Score – 99%
Gore – 10/10

The Cottage (2008)

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When it comes to horror comedies, I don’t tend to like them. Not because I don’t like comedies, just the opposite,  I love a good laugh. But when mixing the genres, I find that the humor falls flat, or the horror is too cheesy. Too cheesy? I know some of you ( Obscure) will be wondering how I can say that. I love cheesy movies, I just don’t like it when it’s purposely a comedy coming off as cheesy. With that said, let’s start.

The Cottage is a Comedy/Crime/Horror film. The entire film is based around a single kidnapping. Peter, the good son, is convinced by his brother, wrong side of the tracks, David, to help him with a kidnapping. If it succeeds, David will give Peter his half of the house their mother left them. They got the girl no problem, and take her out to a cottage in the middle of the woods, time to just wait for their money. What could possibly go wrong?

Simple, everything. Including the deformed lunatic who lives near by. The one the villagers tried to warn them about.

Since this film is at the forefront a comedy, and a horror second, it’s important that the films jokes work. They do, I don’t think I stopped laughing the entire time I watched the film. There’s something about the UK, they seem to be the only one that does horror comedy right. This film has a similar feel to Severance, and Dog House, two UK comedy/horror that both pull it off with great ease.

As the film progresses, and we start to see more of the horror elements at play, and while they don’t work to provoke fear, they work well to give you that Slasher movie feel we remember the 80s so fondly for. Our killer is just one big bad ass, and the ways he kills are tremendous fun to watch.

The kills are so fun to watch, due to the effects. While I don’t think there’s a unique way to kill some one in this film, save for maybe tearing some ones head, and spine out, the effects they are done with are just so fun.  There’s no CGI used for the kills, just good old fashion practical effects, which earns respect in my book.

The music is also used to great effect, to heighten the humor more so then the horror. I guarantee everyone who watches will recognize a certain piece with great nostalgia to a lovable shark.

My final note is on the acting. It is filled with a wonderful cast, Andy Serkis, as many people know from LOTR, as well as Reece Shearsmith, from Shaun Of The Dead. Every ones favorite Cenobite even stops by for a cameo!

So, if you want a good laugh, and some slasher fun, check out the Cottage, I highly recommend that you do.

Score – 95%
Gore – 9/10

Five Movies That Don’t Get Enough Respect

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 Waxwork II

The Waxwork movies are nothing more then an excuse to have fun. The premise is simple, people can enter waxworks, and as we know, a waxwork can be anything from Dracula, to zombies, to the wolf man. In this one, we get to go to space, get an awesome cameo from Bruce Campbell, and just have fun with a movie that doesn’t get you to think hard.

 The Ruins.

Yes, the movie about killer plants made the list. I’ve heard many people pan the movie, and it’s always based on two things. 1. The book was better, and , 2. it’s about killer plants. As a horror fans I don’t see why we can’t just roll with any premise, I mean I even had fun with Death Bed : The Bed That Eats. Just accept the plants. And when wasn’t a book better then the movie, books encompass everything, from thoughts to actions, and will always be better. The true shinning point of the movie is the paranoia, not the plants, just give it another chance.

 Leatherface : The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

It’s almost hard to believe that this movie exists. The end of the second didn’t leave any hope for a sequel, but it made it. I for one am glad. This movie has it all, creepy children, great atmosphere, a beautiful chainsaw, and Viggo Mortensen. Yes, Aragon is in a Texas Chainsaw movie, and as a bad guy at that. Him and the little girl make this one worth the watch alone.

 My Little Eye

I don’t know why this isn’t on every top ten list out there. My Little Eye is one of the creepiest movies I’ve ever seen, and one of the most atmospheric. It’s not until the last ten minutes that we get any real action, yet it will have you on the edge of your seat. Great and original camera work, awesome characters, and some of the creepiest scenes caught on camera.

 Funny Games US

Funny Games US might be nothing more then a shot for shot remake of the original, but I’m glad it is. I never heard of this until I saw it on the shelf, and decided what the hell I’ll rent it. Now it’s what I consider one of the best movies of all time. While not scary, it will leave you feeling dirty, disgusted, and just plain not right. And aren’t movies, or all art for that matter, about provoking emotion?

Jumping The Shark – Leprechaun 4: In Space

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Before I start on Leprechaun, I think it’s best if I explain a few things. Jumping The Shark is a new series of articles I’m writing, about horror movie series that have ” Jumped the shark”. Just in case you don’t know, let’s turn to Wikipedia quickly for the definition of Jumping The Shark : “Jumping the shark is an idiom, first employed to describe a moment in the evolution of a television show when it begins a decline in quality that is beyond recovery.” Now while I’m talking about horror movies instead of television, I think the term works perfectly.

Let us begin.

The year’s 1993, no one’s heard of Jennifer Aniston, and I still thought Power Rangers had a deep and complex plot, when a little gem called Leprechaun gets released. It’s a half decent horror movie, about a Leprechaun from Ireland who just wants his gold back, and will terrorize anyone to get it. Pretty decent effects, simple yet fun story, it was quite good, and a sequel was right around the corner.

But a scant year later, we got what I personally would call the high-point of the series, Leprechaun 2. This one was a lot darker then the first, had nudity, bloodier deaths, and quite a few more tricks up the little buggers sleeve. It also had my favorite version of the Leprechaun, in this one he would take gold where ever he saw it, be it a ring on a finger, or a candy coin.

Then in 1995 we got Leprechaun 3, this time our green friend takes a trip to Vegas, a little out of place for a Leprechaun, but what’s a tiny mythological entity to do. Raise some hell in the casinos of course. By this point, the series started to go down hill, we were getting stupid deaths, worse acting, and it was starting to lose it’s charm.

But wait, this is only the third one, there’s always a chance it could bring it back again, they just need to learn from their mistakes, make another one on the same level as the second one, and everything will be good.

Nope, fuck that, we got Leprechaun 4: In Space. Two years after the third one, just when it seemed like there wouldn’t be another tale with our favorite green friend, he came back, weaker then ever. Here we have a movie that involves lightsabers, an  experimental enlargement ray,cyborgs, and so much more. There’s  even a character that mutates into a deformed spider thing, called  Mittenspider. The movie goes so low as to have one of the female characters pants ripped off, just so she can spend the rest of the movie in her panties, instead of , I don’t know, getting dressed?

This one had the weakest story, the dumbest characters, and everyone in the movie makes the worst possible choices, at every chance they get. I don’t know how it was green lit, and who would of put their name on it. But it wouldn’t be jumping the shark if the series was able to make a come back now would it?

Leprechaun 4 was followed by Leprechaun In The Hood. It’s set in Compton, Ice-T steals the leprechauns magic flute ( where did that come from, I don’t know continuity is fucked like a two dollar whore). Not to mention that our main characters are all wanna be rappers, and thefts.

Sorry, that’s just too far for me. Waiter, Check Please.